staying open to possibility

Hiya,

I used to take for granted how much time I had in front of me and how little behind me. Now time stretches before me, and I feel it slipping through my fingers, and yet, I’m told how young I am, how agile, how much road is ahead of me. This is true, and yet, I feel the crunch of time. How is it possible that the Covid lockdowns started three years ago? I wonder what I did with that time? What mistakes did I make? How did I grow? What did I learn? I saw something on the internet somewhere (god knows where — it all blurs together right now) about how the pandemic changed people’s personalities. I can feel that for myself, the amount of time alone I spent became so routine, the long stretches of silence I adapted to so quickly. I’m sure I’m less social than I once was; I used to take for granted how much energy I had to be in the world (or is that the aforementioned time doing its duty to my ageing body?)

I spent two years barely seeing people, as many of us did. Then it became easy, secondhand. The silence became deafening when I moved to the countryside to experiment if that life was for me. The loneliness was too much to bear during last year's winter, and by spring, I decided to leave. New York City is just as lonely, though you’re constantly interfacing with the general public, so I feel less overwhelmed by it.

Over lunch with friends this past Sunday, I regretted my decision not to go on more dates in London parks through the early days of the pandemic, like my flatmate did. He’d return home from another beer in the park, and I’d ask how it was. He was mostly underwhelmed. Drinking beer in the park in November wasn't that much fun. When I noted how much I wished I had taken advantage of how bored everyone was and how much time people had on their hands and spent more time on dating apps during that time, my friend Christine replied, “Well, you made it out alive, and I think that’s probably enough.” She’s not wrong, but also, dating in 2023 is horrific. It’s not a task for the faint of heart. I’m sure the version of me who didn’t date in 2020 would have said the same thing, just with a smattering of “Am I getting Covid today?” always at the back of my mind.

The question I always return to, whether in my work, my social life or the dreaded dating apps, is: how do I remain open to possibility? How do I stay open in general and not close myself off to the world? There is no straightforward answer. Have you seen the world lately? So I keep posing the question and pray that I can remain open, no matter what.

With love,

Nora x