It was the best of times, it was the end of times

tamagotchis and resentment go together

Hi!

A quick one this week from the end times in NYC. We were living that poor air quality life here this week, which was simply delightful for general stress levels. Last week I stopped eating refined sugar (something I am wont to do semi-regularly, mostly to torture myself). In the overwhelm of the yellow haze over New York on Wednesday and Thursday, all I wanted was to eat the chocolate in my fridge (or straight spoon raw sugar into my mouth). It taunted me, screaming my name each time I opened my fridge to survey my inventory (as one does when under a bad air advisory). Since I know you’re on the edge of your seat, thinking, “Did she cave???? Did she give in????” No! I somehow got through it!!! Can you believe it? Instead, I ate half a packet of Finn Crisp crackers (a recurring theme), needing to soothe myself somehow amidst the cloud.

I am in a moment in my life where I’m no longer interested in holding on to resentments. This week was a good test of my desire to loosen my grip on them. I am so bored by resentment (and myself). The problem is that I’m programmed to hold on to them like sweet little companions. Like cute little Tamagotchis that I’ve slipped into my invisible pocket, some of which have been with me since the dawn of Tamagotchis (1996, FYI). These sweet little companions make me feel unwell, drain my energy, and keep me from myself and healthy relationships. So what I’m working on doing, then, is saying yes when I want to say yes. Saying no when I’m desperate to say no. Holding out a hand when I’d rather withdraw. Looking for a connection when I want to stay separate. And spending a lot of time praying to release my grip on them. It’s not easy. My natural inclination is to hide (which is surprising because I can’t seem to shut up!)

In a moment of duress, like the one the northeast has been in this week, it’s probably more natural for many of us to clam up. To get scared. To want to hide. To get pissed off. To feel like — oh god, life is over, yet again, climate change will kill us all. It’s the perfect breeding ground for me to take all my resentment Tamagotchis out for a joy ride and spend some good time pouring miracle grow on them (or whatever you had to do to keep your Tamagotchis alive). I’m resentful of climate change deniers, the psychopaths attending to limiting abortion rights we have in the government rather than fixing actual problems, and the apathy that has led us to the current state of play. I’d love to focus on that until I’m red in the face, but that really does nothing except cause me pain (see above). I don’t know exactly what will happen with climate change. I know I only have this moment and the next and then the next. And I can take action, and I can be informed. But in this particular moment? I can only do the very slow, very steady things that make me feel ok. I say OK because I don’t know if I can feel good in this high-alert state. Taking a small, measurable step may bridge the gap between me spinning out and eating an entire bowl of brownie batter and instead having a few bites of strawberries. Insert here whatever your vice is (mine is obvs sugar) and replace it with the other thing that makes you feel marginally less spun out.

I want to be curious about why it is I get so much (sick) satisfaction from resentment rather than feeling the shame that I usually do. It keeps me separate, so that feels natural. If I turn towards it, I more than likely have some sadness, some grief, some anger. I feel sad, angry, and scared about climate change, as many of us do. But I noticed that when I spent some of my day being of service this week, volunteering with my local community fridge, it took me out of the fear and into a solution (at least for my present state of being). I have yet to figure out the formula for change so I never get a resentment again and become the perfect specimen of a human. I think I would have to lock myself in a hyperbolic chamber for the rest of my life for that to happen. But I know two things for sure:

1) an act of service helps me forget how annoyed/angry/upset/overwhelmed I am

2) connection helps dissolve those feelings

Going to try to rinse and repeat with this self-administered medicine until further notice.

With love,

Nora x