Being a lil malleable
a lil squishy
I’ve had very little I want to say in the public sphere lately. I can take a gander as to why that is. It feels exceptionally noisy on the internet and outside my window right now; must I add to that? (Evidently, yes). But I also don’t exactly know why. There are times when I can barely shut my mouth and others when I feel like a stoic. I have come to accept that I swing between the two. Sometimes, words move through me like energetic waves, and I’ve got to share them immediately, like I’m on fire. Then it’s as if I’ve lost any cohesive thought, and I’ll keep them all tucked away in the dark. I’m constantly changing.
Much of the time I’m just guessing as to why I am the way I am. I’ve always admired people who are so concrete and assured in their self-conception. Who have decided that this is why they are the way they are and stick with it. When, in conversation, people say things like, “I just know myself, and I won’t be able to do x y or z on that day,” or “I just know I’m always right about how the tides turn, and the moon shines above us” or “I hate broccoli,” I always wonder how they got to that conclusion and how they can be so sure. How do these people know? How did they become so self-assured? Can someone tell me what I want and why? I honestly never know how I’ll feel on a given day, and that makes life feel surprising, like a fun adventure. You never know what you’re gonna get, like old mate Forrest G. One thing I do know about myself is that for some reason, I always add three questions to the end of paragraphs in newsletters, which would probably have me admonished by a writing teacher.
A benefit of this lack of self-assuredness (the one I covet in others) is that it allows me to be fluid in my approach to who I am and what I do with my time. That may make me malleable to external pressure and unable to decide what I want, but it also may make me soft and penetrable and able to move with the peaks and troughs of life. A light touch when the winds of change and grief inevitably fly through the window, as they often do. And I don’t want to cling so tightly to the idea of who I am. That feels like choosing death and calling it a life. The light touch provides me with a lot more potential to change. To be different than I was 5, 10, 20 years ago. And even then, even when I hope to be entirely different: to shed my skin again to become a new type of snake—I still have the same tendencies, tastes, ideas and reactions. And I wonder if we ever change.
I keep reading newsletters and articles, seeing posts and videos about how we need to find community and each other in these times. Being in the US, I’ve had friends in other countries check in on me and ask how I’m doing because, you know, politically, it’s pretty bad over there. It is pretty bad over here.
And I might be inclined to join the chorus of voices saying, “You’ve got to find community and be together,” and even a couple of months ago, I did. But with this malleability in my being, I don’t want to encourage anyone to do that right now. I believe deeply in finding groups of people in which you feel at home. I believe in community, too. I might even say I espouse it if we’re using $100 words. I even know where to find it most of the time. But I don’t know. It feels like an empty encouragement and an ignoring of the very real issue(s) at hand. Sometimes, we don’t have the energy or resources to find community, to gather, to be together. Sometimes, we do, and it helps.
But when I’m reading these well-meaning encouragements, I’m usually alone and it makes me feel like, “Fuck, where is that community you speak of?” It makes me want to run out the door and down the street and beg people to hang out with me to fight fascism, and that doesn’t quite feel like enough. That’s for today. Tomorrow I may go back to encouraging you to find a community, be with people and find solutions. I’m ok with letting myself change from day to day. I never want to become so hardened that I can’t change my mind. Herewith, some stuff you can do alone that’s making me feel better right now:
Things that help in the digital sphere (when you’re alone, reading my newsletter):
EUSEXUA - The new FKA Twigs album came out a week ago and I can’t stop listening to it. It makes me want to go to a rave and forget my name and everyone who ever loved me and be best friends with strangers in the smoking section find them again in the toilets and lose my wallet. Twigs doesn’t need my promotion and yet here I am.
Cry Once a Week -I found this website via
and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted (to cry). Seems very **cute** and *synchronistic** that this week has a clip from Forrest Gump when I randomly compared myself to Forrest just a few paragraphs ago.This savage quiz - my friends and I did this quiz to find out your conflict archetype on the group chat this week, and honestly, I wanted to lie in all my answers and be perfect because I am, of course, heavily weighted as a people pleaserrrr and don’t want them to know (they already know).
My friend
told me about Dolphins at Midnight. Two cats direct it and it is produced by Miami the Dolphin. I don’t want anything else in my ears.I watched Johnny English on Christmas Eve, which sadly did not stand the test of time, but it did send me down a rabbit hole to revisit my old friend Blackadder. Blackadder shaped me. You’re welcome.
BIG NEWS: new episodes of my podcast So, Life Wants You Dead come out next week!!!! Stay tuned.
With love,
Nora x